When we were in the Garden
we bowed to one another
and made a sacred vow
that somewhere out of time
our hearts would send a golden light
and we would then awaken
to the memory of the Garden
and the vow that once was taken
and hand in hand we’d find our way
on this golden light of love
and bow once again in circles of heaven
to the memory of the Garden
Initiation Consecration
brought down to my knees
rising again
again and again
will of spiritual steel
calling all angels
hear me now
let us fight this age old battle
baptize me and sanctify me
and call my spiritual name
lift me and remember me
as I walk this path of fire
moving through the plan divine
letting go and letting in
weeping for the loves we’ve lost
when in truth they’ve all been found
whole and pure and sanctified
singing with a choir of angels
sweet and true and reunited
we all will be one day
On a dark and starry night
as I stand beneath the moon
I bathe in the light
as I feel her soft embrace
when the moon calls my name
and the world is ever still
my soul begins to sigh
and I remember who I am
glistening waters, healing, refreshing
submerge down deep
to the cool, clear, cold place
where the holy spirit dwells
and kisses you with her holy breath
as you release and submerge
know you are enveloped
in love of the most high
casting away all fear
flowing down the stream of eternity
opening your eyes
no longer afraid to see
the magnificent colors
and heavenly beings adorning the shores
feel their light radiate towards you
as you gently glide past all that is
capture the melodies
that resonate in perfect harmony
with all that you are
see the beloveds kindly bestowing
every blessing upon you
as you make your way
the sun is dancing
the birds are singing
all colors of the rainbow
shower upon you
this is your true state of being
this is the place
where you truly live
whatever the question
love is the answer
and all of it’s majesty
within you resides
I am lost
in the great in between
I need a hand
to pull me up
and out
can this be a dream
it is hard to tell
sometimes
in this solitary place
where prayers are whispered
in the dark of night
and tears fall silently
prayers rise as tears fall
and the call for help is heard
I know it is heard
and it will come
somehow
A friend of mine sent me this last night and it got me thinking and writing some thoughts on my own illness journey.
“In illness, you’re suddenly not yourself anymore. The question is: Are you going to cling in panic to some idealized self that no longer exists? Or are you going to cross the threshold and acknowledge that you’re on a journey, though you don’t know to where? You haven’t chosen it, but now you’re different in some way. This is one reason physical illness shows up as a turning point in so many spiritual biographies or as the catalyst of shamanic initiation. It’s a profound shock to the system. It dislodges you. You look in the mirror, and one of the unfortunate ill stares back. But in a way, you could say that disease also abrades away, painfully, all of these superficial ways in which we judge our worthiness, even life’s worthiness. Our worthiness, as in: “Am I strong, beautiful, competent, undamaged goods?” Or life’s worthiness, as in: “Life is good only when it makes me happy, or aggrandizes me, or favors my enterprise.” But who’s bigger, you or life? There’s a Rilke poem Robert Bly has translated: “This is how he grows – by being defeated, decisively, by ever greater beings.”
by Marc Ian Barasch
I know the routine. I have been here before. It never dawned on me somehow that I would be here again. I thought it was over, for the most part anyway. I did not realize that it could recur, become activated, come out of hiding, whatever the term is. But it has. I am in it again.
Each day when I wake and my feet hit the floor there is that moment when I am taking inventory. Dizzy, oh no, not again today. Not dizzy, chance of a good day. I check my physical symptoms the way people check the weather.
There is no doubt that this has been my own personal Magical Mystery Tour. From the moment it began my life changed in every possible way and the journey, the search for more than an answer, for more than a healing, began.
It is hard to imagine but it is one of the basic truths I learned, not everyone is coming on this journey with me. People deathly afraid of their own vulnerability, their own mortality, will ignore or even ridicule the very real and frightening experience you now find yourself thrown into. Believe me you don’t have the time or the strength for this kind of bullshit. Time becomes more precious than you ever could imagine. During those, not even days but moments when you might feel just a glimmer of what it is to be normal, you are not interested in spending it with those who are living in the land of denial. You are fighting for you life.
The loving and compassionate ones in your life become even more loving and compassionate. This is one of the jewels along the path. Ones you thought would be there you find are there only when you can continue to be the life of the party, the fun girl, wild and raring to go.
Where has she gone?
She has slipped quietly into the underworld and when and if she emerges, she shall never be the same. The underworld is dark and scary, totally unfamiliar, no sign posts, filled with monsters and goblins and things out to get you.
How strong are you?
Can you see they are like the boogey man, or the monster under the bed?
Can this be real?
Can I navigate my way in this pitch black strangeness?
I don’t think so.
And yet I do it, day after day, minute by minute. We all do it. We have tumbled down the rabbit hole and absolutely nothing will ever look or be the same.
That first journey lasted over ten years. Then after much upheaval inner and outer, the magic began. Oh it was there all along but it was way too hard to see in the dark, beyond the monsters and goblins, but it was always there. The journey through illness took me deep into the quiet, deep into myself, to face all of who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Was I strong enough?
Yes
Was I afraid?
Yes
But I am a warrior. We all are. Every battle is different and unique to each person. Every journey through the darkness has glimmers of stunningly beautiful light and in that light there is magic. For the light is divine and so are we. So the divine literally showed up in my life and another completely unfamiliar journey began. I have lived through the darkest night and I have lived through the magic of the pure divine light and I have lived them side by side, for that is where they always are even though we cannot see through the darkness.
As miracles began to make themselves known to me I began to feel better as the worst symptoms began to subside. Yes there were still signs that all was not completely well but my eyes were on the light and I was in such gratitude for such heavenly glimpses and restoration of most of my health. Miracles were everywhere.
I marched on, never forgetting the lonely and dark journey, thankful for the lessons along the way and the gift of the magic. But when the physical symptoms began to return it was a frightening feeling. I could sense this was the same energy. It was back. In some ways I suppose it is easier. I now know the territory. It is familiar. In other ways it seems much harder to bear because I know the territory.
So what in the end does a girl who has been on A Magical Mystery Tour think about it all? I guess I have learned a few things and some things I may just never know. I am still on the journey. I must say it is rather interesting that an illness took me completely out of my life and into another way of seeing and being. It took me on a dark and hellish ride and rode me right into the light of a magnificent mystical adventure. It’s been quite a ride.
I am not at all sure what to make of this recurrence and what it means in my life. Sometimes I feel this is Part 2 and perhaps the illness happening again is the precursor to the divine magic showing up once again. I know that whatever you think it is it usually is not. The divine is in charge. I do know I am loved, protected and never alone. When I think I do not have the strength to carry on I am showered with strength and renewed hope. Still I must make my way on this earth through the toughest days but I always know all is in perfect divine order whether I understand it or not.
I know for sure that what we overcome in our lives is not just for ourselves but resonates out into the world. Illness has a purpose and a meaning in the spiritual world far beyond what we can even imagine. We are transforming through our physical bodies enormous energies. It is a job of the physical and the spirit. We are working in unison with heaven and earth. It is a big, big job. Whether we continue to work in this way or a healing takes place or we leave this physical world, all is divine. All we have to do is do the best we can. Be our true selves and believe. Believe in the magic.
Here are some of the things I have learned along the way.
Surround yourself with funny people. I am loaded with them and I am pretty darn funny myself.
Let go of everything because it is mostly going to go anyway. This was my hardest lesson. This means everything you thought your life was supposed to be, everything and anything that you think defines you or your life – jobs, people, houses, cars, just about everything. The illness is just the beginning of the big letting go.
See through new eyes and recognize all the miracles taking place around you because even in your darkest hours they are happening.
Be thankful for all the miracles big and small.
Recognize all the blessings you have in your life.
Stop worrying about what is going to happen because there are answers to these things already in the works that you cannot see and could never dream of.
Learn to be alone and to like it. Liking being alone means you like yourself.
When you talk to yourself and are saying all kinds of negative things stop and say something positive and loving to yourself.
Pray
Meditate
Do not watch the news.
Do not listen to all the people who think they know why you are sick. This is between you and God.
Trust your intuition to know what is right for you. Even through fear and confusion you will know.
Make a commitment to honor your spiritual life each and every day. The divine loves commitment.
Have one person you can really talk to. Keeping up pretenses with everyone is exhausting.
Trust that your journey has a magnificent divine purpose.
Cry when you feel the need to. A good cry is very cleansing.
Find a creative outlet. You have gifts just waiting to emerge that you never even knew you had.
Be of service in any way that you can. Contribute to a worthy cause.
Forgive.
Write. Start a journal and write every day.
Breathe deep, deep breaths. Breathe in loving and healing energy. Breathe out all that does not serve you. Do this all day long.
Surrender – Let your prayer be Thy will be done.
Stay in the moment. Be present to everything.
Notice the beauty and sweetness in things you once took for granted.
Spend time with children and animals.
Spend as much time in nature as you can. Sit with your back against a tree. Swim in the ocean. Walk barefoot on the earth. Gaze at the stars.
Give your love freely and unconditionally. Receive the love that surrounds you. Tell the people you care about how you feel about them. Say the loving things you are thinking.
Speak your truth.
Give thanks.
Remember you are a divine being with a divine mission.
Know there are divine beings so close to you, loving you, guiding you and strengthening you. You are never alone. Open your mind and heart to the unseen world.
Believe it with all your heart.
Namaste,
Gail
Living without the physical presence of my mother is so strange and so lonely. My mother’s will to live was so strong that against all odds she lived to be 90 years old. As a child I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world. I had the most magnificent mother. I was a very sensitive and very happy child. I owe so much of my happiness to my mother who recognized my sensitivity, nurtured it and cherished it. She always let me express my feelings and would lay on my bed for hours talking to me and guiding me making me feel that I was the most unique, extraordinary, special child in the world.
I am so thankful for the incredible love she gave to me and it is that love that sustained me through these last years with her, for the love was greater than any of the mental or physical challenges that she and I faced together. It is a beautiful circle of love that I felt and continued to feel that way about her all of her life. We liked to say that we were a mutual admiration society.
As my mother entered the fullness of her advanced years and her memory no longer served her, I felt honored and privileged to do for her the many kind and loving things she had always done for me. We spent hours and hours talking as I now laid on her bed and the circle of love just continued. I truly do not feel that words are adequate to describe her. Her loving light was so bright that it is still shining and I will feel it sustaining me for the rest of my life.
She adored every single one of us. She cherished every moment spent with us. She had a love of life and an incredible capacity for enjoying the smallest of things, making her every day life sweet and happy and making everyone around her feel that way too.
In her later years bit by bit her memory began to fade until she no longer remembered the family relationships, who went with who, or what their relationship was to her but she still could feel the love she felt for them and them for her and that is all that mattered. She once told me she could feel the love I had for her pouring out of me. She thankfully always remembered me and the incredible loving bond we had. I remember saying to her “You can forget anything and everything Mommy, it doesn’t matter, but don’t ever forget me.” And she didn’t. She was and is my sweetest and dearest inspiration.
Being a firsthand witness to her accelerating dementia was heartbreaking but also fascinating. As her memory left her she gained a wisdom that was profound and enlightening. She was I believe so close to Heaven that she was living in two worlds. She was operating on pure feeling, without any rules, without any filters. I found this to be quite a magnificent thing and I cherished the hours we spent together as she blessed me with her great pearls of wisdom. It was interesting to me to see how this stage in one’s life is perceived. If you only allow yourself to see what it appears the person in this state is presenting it is easy to treat them like a child. It is wise to take the time and take a deeper look for the treasure that lies within is priceless beyond measure.
It was amazing to me to see how people reacted to my mother as she unabashedly would tell them she loved them or that they were so beautiful. Doctors and nurses especially fell madly in love with her. We had a grand old time at all her appointments. Her new Dr. took her at first to be just another elderly patient. After a few visits however she won him over completely. His delight upon seeing her and their hilarious banter back and forth was priceless. I was always sorry that I did not have my video camera filming these exchanges.
My mother’s sense of humor always kept me in stitches. We laughed as much as we loved, which was the icing on the cake. And just about everything reminded her of a song and as we all know she remembered every song ever written. I always told her she was like a living musical, and I adored that about her too. She had an enormous capacity for love and this is what I miss the most. All of my life she showered this radiant love upon me and there is nothing in this world that can ever replace that.
How perfect it has been that I breathed my first breath with my beautiful mother and she breathed her last breath with me. I could feel her making her way home and I felt I was talking and guiding her to heaven. It was so beautiful. I am honored to have been her daughter. I am blessed forever by her incredible love. I thank God for all he has given. I know that my mother is now at peace and that the rejoicing in heaven upon her arrival was just spectacular. How lucky they are to have her and how wonderful and comforting that she is now home. As she gave us all a bit of heaven on earth through her shining light and love, I know that she is right where she belongs.
To all who surrounded her and cared for her and for me during all her years and especially in her final weeks and days I am forever grateful. I love each and every one of you and will carry you all in my hearts forever. My mother gave of herself in every possible way. What she gave to me can never be put into words, it remains in my heart forever. In many ways I am very much my mother but in her most extraordinary ways I can only try to emulate the magnificent example she was to me and to everyone.
I can only hope that a bit of my darling mother’s beautiful light is shining out through me.
I love you Mommy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
During these chaotic times, miracles abound, and through one of these most incredible miracles I have become a grandmother. My granddaughter Lila came to me from across the world. She came on the breath of a prayer. She came through the love we had for her from the moment we knew she was to be ours. She came through the faith in this knowing that no matter how long and difficult the journey, she would one day be home and fall into the arms of a family that loves her beyond all measure.
How can I describe this incredible experience? How can I explain a love that has expanded our hearts and our lives beyond anything we ever could have imagined? This blessing, this merging of hearts and lives is heaven-sent and is in the truest sense the meaning of oneness. This babe, from a world far away, this magnificent child, has awakened this family to much that has been sleeping. For asleep in some ways we all are, until the universe provides us with an experience that takes us beyond anything we ever knew. It is precisely this kind of golden opportunity that awakens us to the true meaning of life.
This love has no name. This love has no color. This love has no place. This love is infinite in nature and is that which has created the universe. It is the Alpha and the Omega. It is beyond time and space. It is the origin of all, pure and natural and vibrating with a kind of joy that is found only in this unique and incredible kind of experience.
I am an open and loving being. I love with all my heart and soul, and yet I am amazed and thrilled by the power of my love for this child. I am humbled and awakened. I am filled with her embrace and anointed by her kiss. I am lifted by her laughter and reborn through her beautiful eyes.
Yes, this is a miracle. It is the miracle of love. It is the kind of love that unifies and magnifies. It is the kind of love that takes you beyond anything and everything you ever dreamed. This is the love that we have forgotten. This is the love that ends all separation. This is the love that if each and every person upon this planet could feel, it would end all war.
I am thankful to be lifted by this love, to be guided by this love, and to be one with this love. I wish that the remembrance of this love would enter each and every heart for I know that only then, will the true meaning and feeling of oneness and peace ever return to earth.
artist Sally Mergenthaler
The Heart of Love 