My mother was beautiful inside and out. I was blessed to be her daughter. As Mothers Day approaches I happened to find something I wrote after she passed a few years ago. I miss her so and I always will.
Dreaming of my beautiful mother all night long. Trying to process what has taken place over these past weeks and days from the moment I open my eyes each morning and all through dreamtime. Our journey together has been long and intense. Our love for one another has been extraordinary.
I was a very sensitive child, I felt everything so deeply, more than my friends, more than anyone is the way it felt. My mother made me feel that I was unlike anyone, special and unique. She showered her love upon me and this was the saving grace that carried me through. She adored being a mother and she was great at it. She was sweet and kind and funny and listened to everything I had to say. She guided me with an incredible insight into who I was and what I needed and she did it without any frame of reference from her own mother.
Her mother was the unimaginable kind of mother who was sorry her children were ever born. She told my mother this on a constant basis but my mother had an inner happiness that could not be killed. Her light shined so bright that it illuminated her way without the love of her own mother. She was always thankful that she had other women close to her that loved her and made her know that she was wonderful and special. Her aunt and her grandmother became everything to her and when she was seventeen she moved in with her beloved aunt. She told me it was the happiest day of her life.
I called my great aunt Auntie and she became the replacement for the grandmother that meant nothing to me except to be the person that always made my mother cry. I learned so much through witnessing these relationships in my mother’s life. Because of my own sensitivity and ability to see into people even then, I could feel that something was very, very wrong with this whole picture.
So as I child I would try to counsel my mother that this relationship to her mother was harmful to her and that her mother not only didn’t deserve the attention my mother was still giving her, but that her mother didn’t care about anything my mother did for her at all. There was no pleasing, no satisfying a person whose only pleasure in life was to make someone else feel miserable. It only supplied her with more ammunition.
When I think back on this time in my childhood I realize that most children think that what goes on in their family is the norm. I did not. I was super aware of everything and everyone and I knew that it was ridiculous to have been sold the notion that because someone is related to you, you owe them some sort of obligation because all that turns into is returning for more and more abuse. Even as a child I understood that my mother was participating in this for reasons of her own.
I was very sure of many things as I watched all these scenarios played out. I was aware of who was genuine and loving and made you feel happy and good and who did just the opposite. My mother was loving. My mother was a wonderful daughter to someone whose mission in life was to try to destroy her own child. I learned well what I would surround myself with in my life no matter the relationship.
My mother has always said that you are responsible for your own happiness. She lived this way all of her life. Even when she was dealing with her mother she found countless ways to fill herself with love and joy and she felt the thing she was best at was being a mother. This was true and so unusual for as I know and have seen over and over in other’s lives it is almost impossible to not repeat that kind of abuse.
My mother’s incredible light saved her and it saved me. She taught me well by all she did do and what she didn’t do. She was selfless and gave her heart and her soul to everyone who loved her. She was my best friend. I felt honored to be the one to care for her in her last years. The hours we spent together were precious to us both. We were in full awareness of every moment together. She was a joy and she was and is the great love of my life. I will miss her more than I can ever express.
God speed Mommy. You are my inspiration and my heart.