I knew it was coming. There was a miracle on it’s way. I knew it was time. I knew it was predestined. I felt prepared but there can be no preparation for a spiritual breakdown. There can be no preparation for moving back and forward in time where everything is collapsing and emerging at exactly the same time. At first you are as if in a dream because it is truly a dream like state. You feel completely detached as if you are on an island looking through a periscope and everything looks so small and insignificant and at the same time silently underneath volcanoes are erupting.
There was nothing to grab onto. There was no frame of reference. There were elements of the dark night. I was lost in a sea of complete detachment and yet the most excruciating emotion. I have never felt so alone. I have never felt more as if I were fighting desperately for something I was not even sure of.
Everything I have ever been came clamoring. Everything I wish to be was before me and yet I remained in this limbo for weeks unsure of everything and everyone. There was no thinking. There was just surviving. This was a state of being. This was a physical, mental, spiritual crisis. I am not at all sure how I made it through.
There were no revelations. There were no hints or clues of anything. I was in a void, just being and feeling. I felt completely desperate. I felt I needed to be in a convent or a monastery or a cave. This is what I thought of constantly.
So the miracle was sent. Precious words and memories were exchanged. And then that defining undeniable sentence was spoken. It was quiet and beautiful and then it began to pick up wind and became a tornado swirling all around me.
In an instant it changed everything. Slowly the unraveling began. Systematically the universe responded. Everything I had seen, everything I had heard, seeped into my cells and into my bones. Fight or flight. There is nowhere to run. I am left to weather the storm.
It almost seems like a dream now but it was real and true and necessary. I still do not understand a bit of it and perhaps I never will. I only know that when you call out for years on end “I will do what is asked of me” you better mean it.
May 10, 2017 at 3:42 pm
Blessings to you for sharing your experience. I love the quote from a Sufi Master. I believe that all of us that choose to remain on this planet during these times must go through this experience and, yes, alone. Seems like it took me forever to finally go and relax within for solace and comfort and peace. We have been so tricked in our approach to life that it is quite an adjustment to turn completely around 180 degrees. Everything is different.
May 10, 2017 at 4:43 pm
So true. We are surely in it. Thanks for sharing. Much love to you.
May 10, 2017 at 1:20 pm
Thank you for this profound reflection. It is all within, dark and light, pain and joy and so many veils to go through and now feels the only place we feel our own being, no matter what it is. The rest, reflections and projections, all play of mirrors. Alone-ness has been the hardest part of my journey and still is. Means no monetary, no companion, no family, no other while knowingly connected with all. The heart is the only place one can rest in facing her own divinity and becoming one. May courage of your heart be always your protector and energize your being when the road is long and horizons unclear in mist. Every word was heard and appreciated by my heart and soil. Thank you
May 10, 2017 at 1:48 pm
Thank you so much Serena. Even though it is such a lonely journey it is good to know we are all in it together. Much love to you.