This has been a day of healing. This has been a day of waking early to go through a kind of life review while trying to go back to sleep. As all these events passed through my mind I felt all the emotions of each event. I could not fall back to sleep and I was already exhausted from lack of sleep from the day before. Loss of sleep mostly always results in a health episode that is very unpredictable.
The next thing that happened was seeing a Joan of Arc post I had written last year on this day. I did not remember writing it but I remembered immediately that Joan of Arc had passed through the parade of events I had experienced in the early morning hours. This was starting out to be quite a day.
Right after that I came across a post from a well known author and found that she has had a chronic illness for thirty years. So have I. As I read through her posts discussing all the aspects of what this entails it struck me.
Here she was a successful writer, writing all these beautiful books and articles and posts and just as easily discussing her life with this illness. She talked about being thankful that she is a writer and can write from her bed when all she can do is surrender to the bed. She talked about being too ill to write at all. She talked about being unreliable in not being able to show up at the last minute. She talked about all the grace that can be found in an experience like this. She talked about wanting a cure and the surrender that must come when one does not come. She talked about healing without being cured. She talked about it all. She talked about me.
So here I sat, tears flowing with several invitations in emails that I must answer, beautiful invitations that I wish to attend but know that I may not. And here I sat with events coming that have been a dream come true for me and prayers sent up to please allow me to feel well and attend. And I realize so deeply how I have been trying to hide in a way from just being the whole of who I am and speaking the truth of what needs to be said.
I have put a terrible pressure on myself and caused myself more suffering in the worry over how and if I will be able to be present to things that mean so much to me and to the people that mean so much to me. I am facing today that I find it embarrassing to have to speak the truth of why I may not be.
I have been wounded by judgment and opinions and I have judged myself harshly as well. My work is within the spiritual community. I want to be out there. I love what I do. I have surrendered over and over and I have risen to the occasion when I thought I could not. Truth is I would rather be the person who rises to the occasion no matter what because after all that is what a divine feminine warrior does or so I tell myself. It is also true that I rise and resurrect myself every single day as every person with an illness like this knows.
So why am I writing this? I have written on the subject of illness before including the higher spiritual view but this is what I have been dealing with on the down to earth every day level. I am writing because this is what I do and this is who I am. I am a writer. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grandmother and a divine feminine warrior. I am a million things rolled up into one wild, dramatic, sensitive and very funny girl. I am also an open book about just about everything so it was time to face this and let it all out. I am writing this to heal the shame that I am facing today. I know that this whole day has been divinely guided and I try my best to be awake and aware to what I am shown.
What I deal with every day physically is a huge part of who I am. I have a belief and a knowing that nothing is what it seems and all is for a higher purpose but still we must go through it all here on earth. I am blessed beyond measure with a family who loves me and understands and has never made me feel less than for any of it. I have done that to myself. My closest friends know the very worst of it and I am so thankful for them. It is what I am to the outside world and my work that I have put this pressure upon myself.
I am a work in progress.
This was a big day with an opportunity for so much healing from the minute I opened my eyes. For this I am ever grateful.
More to come….
The Heart of Love 