The Heart of Love

Prayers, Poetry, Divine Inspiration by Gail Swanson


A Little Testimony Part 1

The vision that changed my whole life has been that which has sustained me through every dark night of the soul and endless days of unbearable physical suffering.

During the time I was experiencing divine guidance from Mary Magdalene I was also blessed to feel the presence of Padre Pio and St. Therese of Lisieux. Later Joan of Arc aided me in countless ways. 

In the last few years my physical condition has become more serious and there are times when the suffering is so great I am sure I can not possibly make it another hour. I weep from the depths of my soul as the feeling of illness and doom is beyond anything I can cope with.

It is then that I turn to the saints and listen while lying in my bed to the stories of their lives. When you are suffering it is impossible not to think constantly of all beings who are suffering. When you feel you may very well be coming to the end of your life you think constantly of all your shortcomings and all your regrets. When you suffer from an illness for years and years on end you become like an island. Everyone seems to drift further and further away as you struggle to keep up with your every day life.

It has been a long journey to reach the age of seventy. It has been difficult yes, but it has also been miraculous. As I lived each day not knowing if I would be sick or well I also did not know what miracle would occur to save me. The blessings that have been showered upon me have only strengthened my belief and my faith. 

There have been long, dry periods where it seems there is no consolation and there have been times of incredible and miraculous wonder where I have been blessed with the gift of The Holy Spirit. 

I have been at my best friend’s bedside as she spent her last days on this earth. I have been shown the meaning of her suffering and the visitation of her guardian angels bequeathing her more time. I have seen the sorrow and the glory of death. I am not afraid to die. It is living we must overcome.

And so at the age of seventy I wish to put to paper where this journey has led me. Is there a meaning in our suffering that is beyond our comprehension? Yes there is. Are the saints in communion with Jesus  and feel what he feels? Yes they do. Are we part of that sanctified communion? Yes we are. Does your suffering and overcoming aid people anywhere in the world who need aid? Yes it does. 

In 2001 I had a vision. This event turned my life upside down and inside out. Mary Magdalene asked me to tell a part of the story. As I listened and wrote all kinds of miraculous things began to happen. The illness coexisted side by side with the miracles. There are  reasons why this happens. Now after all these years and all I have experienced I wish to acknowledge and share the meaning, as I have come to know it, in the agony of suffering and the glory of the grace of Heaven.

Photograph – A gift from Saint Padre Pio


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I May Not Make it Through This Night

I may not make it through this night

war has broken out in the world

and in my body

I feel death

trying so hard to come for me

to terrify me

and so I call on Padre Pio

and my beloved St Therese

to help me and all those a world away

and yet truly not so far

as I suffer in my bed

I think of all who suffer

I weep endless tears

and I pray

I know I am not alone

and all those in fear for their lives 

have angels beside them

and they will win

one way or another


We Rise Together


Most of the time I feel as though I am not really completely here in this world. There are several reasons for this. One is due to the fact that no matter what I do I am never grounded. Once when a healer was attempting to ground me I felt as though I was being shocked over and over. He later told me he was given the information never to ground me but only to connect me to Venus. That should be a good enough reason to feel as though you don’t belong here and feel as though you are not completely here but there is another reason that intensifies this feeling even more.

I seem to have a foot in several worlds. One is beyond everything here and allows me to have all kinds of otherworldly experiences. The other is an illness that has been ever present for more years than I would like to remember. These are two very intense experiences going on at the same time.

The illness was the catalyst that forced me to leave my entire life behind and propel me into the world of healing. I learned many things in this new world. First I had to learn if I had the courage to make this journey. I was frightened and lost. I had no compass. I found that sometimes I had great courage and sometimes I had none. I continue this journey to this day and pass in and out of some very dark passages and also into places more beautiful than I ever could have imagined.

I have been given divine glimpses into the purpose of the physical illness and have been told the same exact thing by several mystics who I love and admire most in this world. I have been shown and told things that have been very challenging to understand and more challenging to live. I understand that nothing is what it seems.

Over these past months the challenges have been almost too much to bear. I write this today for those who are also feeling this way. The circumstances do not matter. Whatever we are going through in our own physical lives in many cases is being magnified as the world around us squeezes through the eye of the needle. We are being purged and sanctified.

It is a lonely journey. It is not for the faint of heart. Glimpses of heaven are beautiful and miraculous and still we must make it here through each day. Our faith is being tested as we bear witness to one heartbreaking event after the other. Where is it all heading? Some are so sure of the who what where and why. I am not so sure of anything except I must use everything I have to keep on keeping on.

The mysteries I have been shown about physical suffering go way beyond anything I could have ever imagined. When I lose my way I am reminded in ways that are impossible to ignore. I am living the mystery.

Here on earth I am a partner in life to the boy I made a vow to when I was nineteen. He is the embodiment of unconditional love. I am a mother and a grandmother. I am a mystic and a recluse. I suffer greatly in the physical in ways I never could have imagined and soar to the heavens in ways I never could have dreamed. Sometimes it feels like a blessing and a curse. When the mind tries to take me over I come back to what I know to be true. These are the days when the darkness upon this planet is doing all it can to take us down. These are the days we were made for.

Each time I find a way to rise again and again I think of all of you. I think of all we are all going through and remind myself that as lonely as this all feels we are not alone. There are legions of angels and loving beings here with us in every moment. We are going to make it. We rise together.


A Glimpse Beyond the Veil

sally's lily pond

Sally Mergenthaler

Nothing is by accident. I came across something I wrote a while back. It is timely as usual and a subject I have come to know very intimately. I hope it helps anyone who suffers to remember who we are.

In many ways we have been programmed to believe certain things. In the new age community there are programs that exist that are part of the old paradigm in my opinion and illness is one of them.

I have had chronic lyme disease for 25 years and I have been through it all, the theories, the judgments, the advice. I have done some writing on this subject from my own perspective and experience as someone who has suffered physically through an amazing spiritual awakening. This is a deep subject.

I have had visions and incredible downloads providing me with glimpses of things that lie beyond what we can see and know here in this dense 3D existence we live in. Of course disease can and does manifest through fear and anger and even grief but there is an aspect to this journey that should be ever present in our hearts and our minds. A great mystic Lars Muhl once said to me “ Any process of suffering carries with it the opportunity for initiation of the highest grade.”

All is happening at the highest level and in the most divine way. Some are here as spiritual warriors, alchemical masters transmuting enormous energies through their physical bodies. This alchemical work has effects on the people and the planet itself in ways we shall never truly know. I know this for sure.

We are multidimensional beings and illness too is multidimensional in nature. There are forces that wish to stop those of us bringing in truth and light and at the same time we hold a power they cannot control or win with no matter what happens to our physical bodies.

Beings that carry great light often experience challenges that could easily weaken them. The power that arises when you must get off your knees again and again is an alchemical power. In spite of all circumstances that take you to the very edge of what you feel you could bear, there is your will. And this will is your divine will for it is sacred and holy and magnificent.

Your divine will knows of the higher purpose. Divine will lifts you in your darkest hours. It matters not if you stumble and lose your way and even wish to give it all up for the divine ones surround you and whisper your spiritual name over and over until your divine remembrance breaks through the darkness. The light remains and each time you rekindle your faith and each time you surrender to the ultimate divine will, which is the will of God, your own personal divine will becomes that much stronger.

We are going to be seeing more and more of some very bright lights transmuting these energies in this way. Some will stay and some will go. All is in perfect divine order.

A Glimpse Beyond the Veil

When my best childhood friend Sally was journeying through a serious illness we spent a lot of time together. We had many amazing miraculous experiences during this time. For some reason I was in a heightened state of seeing and was able to share what I was being shown with her. One day we were on the phone as usual and at this point she was in the hospital and now unable to get up out of bed and walk. Sally was an artist and her hospital bed was filled with her art supplies. She continued to create beautiful art from her bed.

On this particular day when I called her she told me she was in distress because she was watching what was happening during Hurricane Katrina on the news. I told her to turn it off that it was not good for her to be watching something so upsetting. The next thing I knew I began to see a vision of a family stranded on a roof as the waters were rising. I was then shown something like a golden thread going from Sally to this family.

Sally was a unique and incredible person. Even at the point when she could no longer leave her bed she surrounded herself with her art and continued to create. She never complained. She was filled with love and grace. This energy that Sally was emitting while unable to get of that bed was helping to sustain these people who could not get off of that roof.
It was incredible that I was able to describe at that moment to Sally what I was seeing. When I told her we were both filled with chills. It was an incredible blessing for us both. Sally could see what she was doing from the higher view and this has helped me in ways I cannot even express.

Can you imagine if we could all see what was happening beyond what we can see here? It would change the world. I hope this experience that Sally and I had will comfort you and encourage you for nothing is what it seems.


The Higher View of Illness

Paul Bond

artist Paul Bond


Happy New Year!

I wish you all a year filled with love, joy, wonderful health, and infinite blessings. As this new year begins I have so much to look back on and so much to be grateful for. I am sharing some of my challenges and amazing experiences here with you. I believe in sharing our stories. I believe that in sharing our stories we connect with one another on deeper levels and we help one another in ways we may never even know. In telling our stories we give them honor and meaning. Whether you write your story or speak your story to even one person it has an effect on you and whoever receives it and I believe even on those that may be across the planet. It has taken me a long time to get this big story out. I hope you find resonance and meaning here.

I have been writing this over the course of several months. I titled it “The Higher View”. One morning before waking as I was turning over, eyes closed still sleeping, I saw a hawk flying over me from right to left, the same direction I was turning. The hawk was so close it was literally only about a foot above me. It seemed to wake me so that I could consciously watch and look closely at him. I had the impression that this was a male. I could see every aspect of him. I could even see his wings vibrating softly as he flew. It was so amazing because he was flying over me in resonance and time with my turning over.

As he flew over me slowly as I turned and he was just about to fly out of my vision I could see he was holding some prey in his mouth. The amazing thing about this is that I woke in the middle and consciously knew this was something extraordinary and important and focused as hard as I could on watching him. If this were a dream he would have disappeared as soon as I woke up. He did not. I saw every minute detail of him, he was that close.

Then I began to see what I have seen many times in the morning as I am waking with my eyes still closed. I see rows and rows across my entire field of vision of small circles of light. The rows are sometimes on the diagonal and sometimes straight up and down. I always thought that perhaps this was a dimension I was just coming out of and would see it upon beginning to wake but this morning after seeing the hawk I felt sure that this is a code. Since seeing the hawk the patterns have changed and become more intricate.

I find this up close visit amazing as the hawk is all about seeing the higher view and that is what I was writing about. On top of that a woman in France had just begun posting pictures of St Therese of Lisieux wearing her Joan of Arc costume. St Therese was devoted to Joan of Arc and would write and perform in plays dressed as her. She also posted a quote of Therese saying “Most of all I imitate the behavior of Mary Magdalene, for her amazing – or, rather, loving – audacity which delighted the heart of Jesus, has cast it’s spell upon mine.”


St Therese of Lisieux

I mention this because of the synchronicity of all this for me. During the time when I was receiving communication from Mary Magdalene I began communicating with St. Therese. She is the one who encouraged me to always look at the higher view.

For me, it has always been Magdalene, St Therese and Joan of Arc. Joan of Arc came in around that time too in many ways but did not communicate in words until years later. These three incredible women are intimately connected with each other and with us. In these times of great chaos and transformation it is essential to have a connection with the beloveds who are in constant communication with us if only we will see.

Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc

What does this all mean? I continue to follow the breadcrumbs and now after many encounters with the hawk, this one being the most incredible of all, I know I am being asked to consider an even higher view than ever before. What follows are my thoughts and inspirations on the higher view of illness and particularly those experiencing illness and spiritual revelation side by side. This is what I was writing about when the hawk appeared and St.Therese, Magdalene and Joan of Arc kept appearing in my newsfeed on Facebook.

Mary Magdalene


In these days of great evolution and revolution I find myself in two worlds and perhaps that is just the way it is meant to be. My soul, the spirit I have been since the beginning calls to me day and night, sometimes in a gentle whisper and sometimes with a strength so powerful it almost knocks me down.

In the midst of this spiritual calling I live in this body in this world. As the physical body also calls out day and night clamoring for my attention I am constantly living in an exaggerated dual existence, or so it seems.

The more I travel my path upon this earthly plane the less I seem to truly know, for what do we really know for sure, for nothing is what it seems. For sure most these days find this dense physical existence a challenge as our spirits continue to call us higher and higher. It is a calling that cannot be denied. It is our soul truth, our divine birthright, our one true knowing. It is the antidote to all untruths; this I do know for sure.

There is a particular challenge when the body is not in resonance with this earth plane. Perhaps the remembrance and yearning for that original higher state of being is the cause of such imbalance. Perhaps the soul has taken this journey in this life upon itself as a soul contract.

What does it mean when an illness goes hand in hand with a spiritual awakening ? What does it mean when so many lightworkers suffer from long term physical illness? It is a multidimensional question with a multidimensional answer.

During our stay on this planet and through our experience with the body and the soul we do receive moments of insight and glimpses of what lies beyond the veil. I have seen many of these but they are only a tiny bit of the layers upon layers of what makes up the circumstances of our lives.

Illness and the ascension of the soul happening simultaneously is a very particular state of being. I believe there are elements that exist within the limits and confines of the illness that are grounding forces. By that I mean that many of us have the tendency to exist in the higher realms and the illness itself keeps us grounded to the earth. In the enormous spectrum of what makes up each individuals situation, in my own experience I feel this is part of why the illness may be present.

There is also the aspect of being forced to live a more quiet secluded life. There can be times of great silence where all you can hear and feel are the pains and frustrations of your physical condition. It seems you feel and hear nothing from spirit and that is when you may slip into the underworld. This can feel like an eternity. You call out and pray and are taken to what feels like the most desolate and desperate place.

When you wake each day perhaps after years of coping with such a challenge and you rise yet again to a new day the vibration of strength and fortitude and overcoming radiates out across the planet and this I do know for sure.

Within the day in day out moment to moment reality of living with this heaviness upon the body and the soul ascending there is a constant balancing act, when done with love, gratitude and grace this sends out a vibration of balance.

When you are thankful for every small thing you do have, when nothing has gone the way you thought it should this sends out the vibration of gratitude. When you overcome time and again fear, loneliness and desperation that this challenge brings, you send out a vibration of courage and strength and somewhere this radiates out to someone in need of just that at that particular moment.

I do know these things for sure for once I was blessed to see the higher view during the final stages of my dear friend’s illness. As she lay in her hospital bed unable to walk she was filled with grace and gratitude. She traversed her entire long and painful journey with cancer in this way.

I called her as I did each day and on this particular day she said “Oh Gail it is so terrible I am watching what is happening to the people in Hurricane Katrina on T.V”. I said “Oh no turn it off, don’t watch that.” I thought my God with all she is going through she should not put herself through watching something so terribly upsetting. Suddenly I see a vision before my eyes. I see an entire family stranded on the roof of a house as the waters rise and then I see something like an energetic thread going from my friend Sally to them and I am shown something I will never forget as long as I live.

I saw that the grace and gratitude and hope that Sally was emanating even though she was unable to get up out of that bed and walk was sustaining those people on that roof. Sally could have been filled with fear and hopelessness as they must have been, feeling trapped on the roof with the waters rising and no help in sight. Through her faith and her grace she sent out a loving vibration and filled that family with the strength and courage they needed to survive. I saw it with my eyes. I felt it in my heart. It was one of the greatest blessings of my entire life and I was able to share it with her at that very moment. I remember how when I told her she was covered in chills and I was too. I was able to tell her the higher view of what she was doing. We could feel as the energy moved through us both that this was true. Can you imagine if we could always see the effects we are having at a higher level?

At a deeper level and considering the state of affairs around the world perhaps those of us suffering effects on our physical bodies are in some way mitigating and transforming the kinds of bacteria and viruses that are now becoming life threatening on the planet.

Think of how challenging it is at this time for even healthy people to keep a positive attitude and stay focused on the higher view. For those of us who wake each day coping with great physical challenges the task is much more difficult. It feels as if each moment of every day we must practice the art of ascension.

I have written before about the attitudes in the spiritual community concerning illness. I have experienced them first hand as many have. I believe those attitudes are a part of the old paradigm. There are of course magnificent healers who have the ability to see in a higher multidimensional way with open minds and hearts. They are constantly evolving out of the old paradigms because they themselves are ascending into higher places of understanding. I am ever thankful to have such an evolved healing soul in my life.

This is a multilayered, multidimensional complicated issue. There are also outer forces that can and do play a part in hoping to derail and confuse people who do have their hearts and souls on the higher view. I have been shown some of this pertaining to my own situation.

Of course there are traumas from this life and lives past that cause physical illness. I sometimes wonder too if perhaps much more is expected of those of us awake and aware and any anger, bitterness or inability to forgive disturbs that delicate balance of health and well being.

What does it all mean? Perhaps when our time here has ended and we pass over we will know the answers. For now we have only questions and the job of forging ahead as we continue to participate in our healing, keeping our hearts and souls on the higher view.

The hawk came with a message. Look up. Wake up. All is not what it seems. I have continued to see the patterns of light upon waking. Now that I have been given the understanding that this is a code perhaps I will begin to understand more.

I am continuing to process my trip to see John of God. It was such an intimate experience I was not able to write about it. My challenge with my physical health continues, however after being home for a while some amazing things began to happen. I have a story to tell. I am in the process of still receiving information and writing about it.

I do know that it is important that I write and speak about this subject of illness and transformation and that is one of the many, many reasons I continue on this journey. I know there are so many of you traveling this path. Know that you are not alone even though this is such a lonely journey. We are being aided and guided. There is a purpose for every single thing we experience. We are warriors. We are transmuting huge energies. Our lives have great meaning here and in the higher realms. You are loved and appreciated by magnificent beings of light. There are reasons we are in the quiet, in seclusion. Listen carefully, there are divine messages meant for you everywhere.

I bow to you. I send you my love and appreciation. Thank you for all you do. I know the struggle and heartache and I know the joy and rapture of the divine. It is a metaphor for this earth existence and our connection with heaven.

This particular situation is my particular journey however every one of us is coping with something in our lives that we must rise above. This is our spiritual journey here on earth. It is not easy but we are here living these lives in these bodies. At the same time we are being guided and adored and are constantly being showered with everything we need.

I once saw a great shower of light raining down on Jesus and Mary Magdalene. They were aware of it. They knew what was happening and what the heavenly light was providing them. It was their saving grace and it is ours.

Know that what you do is seen and noted. It is recorded in The Book of Love. We must remember that we are not alone. Faith through the most difficult circumstances creates a power that can change the world. Love for yourself and for all brings peace and harmony to a world that has forgotten that love is all there is. Laughter is the greatest healer of all. It is the language of the angels. We know all these things. We just have to keep remembering. As we continue to make raising our consciousness the top priority though all these trials and challenges we help to raise the consciousness of all.

I have been guided to speak of these things and so I follow the guidance. We may not know the reason we are guided to do or say something but there are always reasons beyond our knowing. There is always the higher view.

May we all continue on this incredible journey with love and faith and accept the help and guidance that comes our way in whatever form. May we continue to express our true selves so that we may help the earth and one another as we continue to move through our fascinating, challenging and complicated lives on earth.

As I was trying to finish writing this I did begin to write my story that began with my trip to John of God in Brazil. It is a long story but I feel it is an important one. It is personal and global. A link to my blog follows below.

911 and the Crystal Stars of Love and Hope

This is a story of how the divine feminine is awakening and emerging as never before. This is the story of how the divine feminine works. This is the beauty of three sisters divine finding each other and finding truth. A trinity flowing like water, weaving a story meant to be told, loving and supporting each other through the unveiling of our own hearts and souls. We are the living waters bringing love and truth back to a land parched and dry with untruths. The divine feminine is rising and there is no stopping her.


Much Love,



911 and the Crystal Stars of Love and Hope

This is a story of how the divine feminine is awakening and emerging as never before. This is the story of how the divine feminine works. This is the beauty of three sisters divine finding each other and finding truth. A trinity flowing like water, weaving a story meant to be told, loving and supporting each other through the unveiling of our own hearts and souls. We are the living waters bringing love and truth back to a land parched and dry with untruths. The divine feminine is rising and there is no stopping her.

The Beginning

I wake again at 5 am slightly anxious with the pieces of this story swirling in my head. It matters not that this is the day before Thanksgiving and I have much to do to prepare for dinner tomorrow or that a migraine came to call right before bed last night. I have to get up. The story won’t wait. Perhaps it is fitting that it beckons to be told the morning before Thanksgiving.

The story seems so long and complicated now that I have not been able to settle it in my mind. Beyond that it has been a process just trying to absorb all that has happened. This story that has woven it’s way into my heart and my life began one day when I was meditating in bed. Suddenly a powerful wind was blown into my mouth, so powerful that I was gasping and my arms were flying up off the bed over and over with each gasp. As this was happening I began to see before my eyes a vision of Jerusalem back at the time of Christ. I was told of a connection between Mary Magdalene and me. When it was over I sat up and said out loud “They gave me the breath of The Holy Spirit.” This event completely changed my life.

I went on to receive messages from Magdalene, St. Therese of Lisieux, Joan of Arc, Archangel Michael and others. The Magdalene messages were put into book form The Heart of Love : Mary Magdalene Speaks. Powerful healing meditations and activations began to emerge that have been helpful to others who find themselves remembering a connection to Magdalene and Jesus.

During all of the otherworldly experiences I continued to have I was living with a very debilitating illness. At some point it became much more manageable and I was able to present workshops and share the beauty and power of it all with others. It has been an amazing experience.

It became commonplace for people to come to the workshops or to read the book and to tell me of their feelings that they themselves had visions or memories of having been at the crucifixion. My own family had begun having these experiences soon after I had the Magdalene vision. There was something huge going on and it was growing. My family and I went through a long and confusing process of trying to understand the magnitude of what this all meant and how deeply it was affecting us. We went through what I would describe as a traumatic grieving process.

Over the years I felt I had dealt with the grief, and the huge experiences that I was having for so long seemed to calm down. Then several years ago I began to feel the old physical symptoms returning. Slowly I found myself once again forced into seclusion. I tried to push through it and continue to make appearances because I felt it was so important to get this beautiful divine healing out there. It became impossible. I had to surrender once again and release back into the underworld. I was not happy about it. I knew the territory. I had been here before. It is dark and lonely and frightening. I also thankfully knew that I was not alone and that everything has a divine purpose.

I seemed to be in a dry period with not much going on in the esoteric department. I thought perhaps my spiritual job was done. I became a grandmother and this filled me with such joy. I was so grateful to have these amazing beings in my life, delivered to my door when I was not well enough to even leave the house. This was more than enough. I felt my spiritual purpose now was family life and showering my time and my love on my beautiful grandchildren. However in the back of my mind there was a whisper. “I wonder if this is part two?” I could not help to be reminded that all the magic appeared in my life out of the blue when I had been taken out of my busy life by the illness before. I pushed the whispers aside and I went tumbling down into a dark, dark place. I was coping with months on end of severe illness, day after day with no relief. I felt completely desperate.


I am holding on


I am praying for a miracle


I am falling

into the well of despair

this is a terrible and lonely battle

only the strongest survive

I am weak in body

weakened by life after life

of brutality

meant to crush my spirit

and steal my power

I carry the wounds of the feminine

deep within my physical body

I have returned

to transcend the physical

I am a warrior of the light

my spirit is rising

out of the well of despair

I remember

the divine feminine alchemy

that shall turn the shadows

of this dark cold hard metal

into the light

of miraculous gold


I am falling



show me a way

out of this dark hell

and into the light of a miracle

I know too much

and not enough

the truth of my lives

line up before me

swirling in visions, dreams

and synchronicities

an esoteric mystery

unsolvable by earthly means

I am weary

and so I pray

for some kind of miracle

for the answer lies beyond all this

this I know for sure

and in the dark of night

between despair and hope

my cries and prayers are heard

and the miracle appears


I cried myself to sleep every night and prayed for an answer. This felt too much to cope with. And then the answer came. I must travel to Brazil to see the trans medium healer John of God. This seemed impossible both physically and financially but it was meant to be. I had to overcome many fears and obstacles to get myself there but I kept following the knowing that this was exactly what I must do.

John of God

We arrive, my son-in-law Garrett and me. We have been through much together over the years. He too has been through the visions, the memories, the grief. He has seen much and he too is dealing with a long and difficult illness. We have come to heal our bodies and our spirit. We are ready, or so we think. Nothing could have prepared us for our experience in Brazil. We stepped into a personal inner journey of enormous magnitude.

The first day we walked the few blocks from our hotel to the Casa. This is the building where thousands of people come from all over the world carrying within their hearts the hope and prayer for healing.


As we entered the Casa I was overcome with emotion. I kept hearing over and over within “This is a holy place.” As soon as I walked outside I realized that this feeling was the same feeling and reaction that I had when I entered the Shrine of Archangel Michael in Florida not far from where I live. The shrine was a beautiful and meaningful find during the whole Magdalene experience. I sat there feeling that these two holy places were somehow connected. After visiting the Casa and the beautiful meditation grounds we sat down to a delicious meal. I could not believe what it all felt like. I turned to Garrett and I said “Doesn’t it feel like we are in heaven?” and he said “Yes”.

The next day was orientation and once again we made our way down the street to the Casa with our group and our guide. As we were walking I tripped and fell. Everyone was rather alarmed. Garrett helped me up and I seemed to be okay except for the cuts that were bleeding on both of my legs.  I tried to stop the bleeding with some tissues and on we went to the orientation. As soon as we got back to the hotel I cleaned the cuts and applied an antibiotic ointment.

The next morning we were off to the Casa again to meet John of God for the first time. There was hours of sitting with hundreds and hundreds of people standing and sitting everywhere. The energy was incredible in this holy place. Tears streamed down my face. When our turn came to get in line we made our way through what is called the current room. This is where people are sitting meditating holding the energy. There are pictures all over the walls of saints and entities as they are called who help and incorporate into John of God’s body to facilitate healing. The pictures alone made me weep. We are told to hold the intention of what it is we came here for. I am asking to heal the root of this illness and help in fulfilling my spiritual mission.

As we slowly made our way nearer to John of God the energy kept building and so did the emotion. By the time I was only about five people from him I was trying hard not to sob uncontrollably. My heart felt as if it is was expanding and expanding. Diego is John of God’s right hand man and was the one who gave the orientation. He was standing beside John of God as I approached. Our eyes met and he gave me the most beautiful knowing smile as he could see and feel what I was experiencing. Meeting John of God was quick and powerful. He said in Portuguese “operation tomorrow”. I would be having a spiritual etheric surgery that has the same effect as a physical surgery.

I am led into a room for a healing prayer. This whole event is so extremely emotional. The prayer feels like the most beautiful prayer you have ever heard. Then you go outside where there are rows of tables and you sit to eat the blessed soup that is prepared with love each day. People are talking to me and I am having the most difficult time not becoming hysterical. I can not stop crying as I sit eating my soup. When I finish my soup I get up and walk over to the meditation deck. I feel like I am in a dream. I look out over the beautiful view and a hawk flies above me.


In the afternoon we return to the Casa to sit in the current room. This is where much healing takes place. Extraordinary things happen in the current room. You may see and feel the beings that are helping you. You may see scenes form your life, events from the past or visions of the future. It has been so intense from the moment we arrived here.

The next day is my surgery. As I make way through the Casa and into the current room I see Garrett sitting among all the people holding the energy. Once again I am completely overwhelmed with emotion. The love I have for him expands and expands as I realize he is helping to hold the energy for my spiritual surgery. There is something happening here that has happened before. My connection to him throughout time and space is magnified. My heart is just bursting with love for him and I see our connection in Jerusalem at the time of Christ and Magdalene and I know for sure this is why we are here.

The people who are here for this surgery are now all seated in the last room. I notice the pictures of King Solomon and Jesus as I sit there. A woman said “Close your eyes.” She begins speaking with a beautiful accent. Her words sound like the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Then a man speaks in another language. It feels as if I can understand every word. We are all holding our hands over our heart. After a while a booming voice comes into the room. It is John of God saying the healing is done. His voice went through me like a bolt of electricity and I shuddered and shook.

The protocol is that you must go back to your room after surgery for 24 hours and keep your eyes closed. Back in my room I climbed into bed and put my eye mask on. Immediately the visions began. I saw so much but afterwards I could only remember a few of the visions. I heard and saw the doctors that were working on me. I felt them touching me. I saw showers of healing light reigning down upon me but the main thing that I saw and remembered was a room that I saw vividly. It was from a long time ago. When I saw it I felt this room had to do with Jesus and I heard myself say out loud. “I am looking for Jesus.” As I said that another room appeared. This room had an outer wall that was made of a type of see through grid work with a star on it. I could see through it to the outside. I see someone slowly walking by. I see his staff. I know it is Jesus but as I realize it is him it all disappears.

Garrett had surgery soon after I did. The next day after our 24 hours in our rooms Garrett knocked on my door. As soon as I see him I say “Garrett did you see Jesus?” He said yes and begins to tell me what he saw. As he starts to tell me I gasp as I see myself falling on the sidewalk as I did on the way to the Casa and I hear “Jesus falls for the third time.” I remember that twice before I came to Brazil I fell. We have both had incredible experiences after our surgeries. Garrett and I had not talked about it before but now we say to each other that we had both asked to be healed from witnessing the crucifixion.

From the time I set foot in the Casa and for the entire two weeks that I was there I cried and cried and cried. I cried from the depths of my soul. I cried as if I was grieving the most terrible loss but I had no idea what I was crying about. As I was engulfed in this grief I also felt the most excruciating loneliness. I had asked to heal the root of my illness and all I was shown the whole time I was there was that I was carrying this terrible grief. I was shown that as I fell I was in some way reliving and reenacting Jesus falling on the way to the cross. More was revealed in the following days.

This too was significant. Soon after I wrote The Heart of Love, Lars Muhl sent me a copy of The O Manuscript. He had read my book and said “We must be talking to the same angels.” When I opened the wrapping and saw the cover of the book with this picture on it I felt like I was going to collapse.


I had never seen this picture in my life but I had such a reaction to seeing it. As I went on to read the book it was an incredible experience for me. When I knew I must come to Brazil I looked up information about the Casa and John of God and I saw that this picture was on the wall inside the Casa.


Even to this point I had never seen this picture anywhere except on Lars’ book. It is said to be a channeled portrait of Mary Magdalene that was painted by monks long ago. This was the sign that yes, definitely I must go to Brazil. I sat in front of that picture in the Casa for hours and hours. There was an energy emanating from it that was so powerful.



Part Two

Following is the link to a blog I wrote as this was all developing. In order to follow the story please read my blog before continuing here.

I must add an interesting note. In Lars Muhl’s book The O manuscript he says that the Queen of Sheba was one of Mary Magdalene’s incarnations. This would explain why I was so drawn to the King Solomon image at the Casa and I believe how he has been sending these clues and inspirations since I came home. This is the key to the connection of Solomon’s Temple and 911.

10484048_328859810615331_3468124939741887045_nImage by Mark Gray

10703544_10204746188606771_4413992348309528531_n“Ethiopian Christians tell this story about Solomon and the Queen of Sheba. Their version holds that the Queen of Sheba was an Ethiopian sovereign named Makeda (Magda)

Sheba_deminSolomon and Sheba

Part Three

10354223_10204810742100568_2178730532365942281_nPouring the John of God Blessed Water into the Gulf of Mexico

Hillary Raimo sends me a message. The Dr. Emoto water crystal photo has arrived. One of the amazing things that occurred during all of this was that Hillary felt the water should be photographed by Dr. Emoto’s lab and that this was the last water sample photographed before he passed. Hillary sent me the photo in an instant message. I gasped when I saw it.


Please read Hillary’s blog here about how Love Breathe for Earth came to be and her amazing story leading up to the water crystal photograph.

My deepest and heartfelt thanks to Hillary for always following her heart and the divine breadcrumbs. She is a warrior Goddess speaking her truth. I am thankful for our connection and our ongoing divine sister synchs. Hillary is the founder of Love Breathe for Earth and has a fabulous radio show. She offers her unique gifts in many ways.

When I saw the water crystal photograph I said out loud “This is the Star of Hope rising out of the smoke and devastation of 911.” And as I continued to look at this image I started burning up. I felt like I was on fire. I said “This photograph of this 911 water crystal has healing properties.” As soon as I spoke those words I saw this beautiful fuchsia pink before my eyes. I said “Thank you” to whoever was showing me this beautiful confirmation and when I said thank you the fuchsia pink grew larger.

Hillary and I both noticed that there was a Five pointed star right next to the Six pointed star. I was unsure at that moment what it all meant. This seemed to be enough for one day.

The next morning as soon as I woke up I went to my computer to look at the crystal again. This time as soon as I looked at it something hit me hard and I said out loud “911 has to do with the crucifixion.” I have no idea what made me say it but I knew it was true. I messaged Hillary and asked her if Mark Gray ever connected the crucifixion to 911. Mark Gray has a website and has a page on Facebook. He uses numerical codes and Gematria to decode world events and has done a tremendous amount of investigation into the 911 event and the 911 Memorial site.

(as I am writing this about 911 Prince William and Kate are visiting the 911 Memorial)

Hillary said she did not know but I should ask Mark. I messaged Mark right then and asked “Do you feel there is a connection between 911 and the crucifixion”? Mark immediately answered “Definitely.” I felt like I might faint. There it is. What are the chances? How did I feel this so strongly when looking at the image of the water crystal? What can this all mean? I knew deep down that the same energies that carried out the crucifixion carried out the 911 event and I knew that my connection to both these horrific events had great significance.

Once I had seen the water crystal I began to receive a healing meditation/activation to help to clear trauma through the power of the 911 water crystal but the Five pointed star kept showing itself to me and I did not know what the meaning was. As the divine always works in such synchronistic ways someone added my name to a private Facebook page Magdalene/Isis Mystery School. I looked at the page and there was the Five pointed star!

Tara Faulkner is an astrologer who began to see this Five pointed star in the astrological charts of people who have a connection to Magdalene. Now it started coming together as Tara and I talked for hours and merged our stories. I want to also thank Tara for following her soul’s guidance and creating the Magdalen/Isis Mystery School which has brought together a family of souls from across the globe. Tara sent me this image of Southern France where all the Magdalene sacred sites are – and there is the six pointed star and the five pointed star.

temple-of-the-stars-lg Temple of the Stars, Rennes Le Chateau, France

 My Five Pointed Star Chart

Gail Swanson

To me the Six pointed star is the star of Christ and the Five pointed star is the star of Magdalene and they rise together, they resurrect together out of the chaos, devastation and hopelessness. She is the Star of Love. He is the Star of Hope. Together they are divine union. They come to us now through the image of water.

William Henry said in his book Mary Magdalene : The Illuminator

In Grail vernacular Mary Magdalene is the ultimate ‘fisher person’ she is 153 ‘the Tower’. Magdala means ‘Fish Tower’ meaning the priestess who presided over the well or fountain of life.


This unusual image from c. 1250 is displayed in a regional history museum in Metz, a town  in Alsace-Lorraine, France, which was once the seat of power for Merovingian kings.  Ancient legends come together in this painting from the seat of the Merovingian power in Alsace-Lorraine. It appears to be an ancestral portrait of the Lord and Lady of  Pisces (the Age of the “Fishes”).

This is a drawing taken from a photo of the wall painting. The circle and the square represent the “union of irreconcilable opposities”–an ancient symbol for the “sacred marriage.”

A recent discovery of a mosaic depicting two fish at a 3-4th century church in Megiddo confirms that the “partnership” of the Fishes was an early emblem of Christianity. The mandala is reminiscent of the Zodiac symbol of Pisces, the “Fishes”–the New Age dawning at the time of Jesus. The linking of the geometric square and circle depicts the “marriage of irreconcilable opposites” in geometry, the square represents Earth/matter and the circle, Heaven/spirit. ~

Together, Jesus and Mary were perceived by the earliest Christian believers as Lord and Lady of the Age of the Fishes. ~ Margaret Starbird


 38 tHe who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, uout of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” 39 John 7 38

WINDOWATDERVAIGMULL2Notice the twin towers in this image of Magdalene and Jesus

Mary Magdalene/Twin Towers by Margaret Starbird

“For me, the symbolism of the twin towers is a powerful image that has a history intimately linked to Mary Magdalene. I was reminded of this when I noticed the flag of the Army Corps of Engineers flying at the scene of the attack on the Pentagon. The banner is a white castle with twin towers on a red background. But the castle (citadel–the city of God, fortress, stronghold) is, for me, a reminder of the magdal- eder–the tower (stronghold) of the flock from the prophetic passage in the Hebrew Bible –Micah 4:8-10. Since Magdala means tower in Hebrew, this passage is powerfully prophetic of the role of Mary Magdalene as the daughter of Sion in her role as Bride. You might want to look up this passage in the Hebrew Bible if you aren’t already familiar with it, to examine its very strong connections to Mary Magdalene who is alleged to have been sent into exile–to dwell in the fields–after the death of her King. This passage foreshadows the Diaspora of the Jewish people of whom Magdalene is the archetypal representative in her role as Bride of the Christ.

Mary Magdalene, for me, represents the flesh and blood of humanity, the entire human community, as the sacred container of the life and light of divinity–the very embodiment or incarnation of Godde with us. She represents the both the fallen Sophia (feminine consciousness) and the Holy City (as symbol of the human family) arrayed for her nuptials with the eternal bridegroom (Revelation 21). The sacred union of Christ and Magdalene which, I believe, was always at the heart of the Christian story, is only a model for this much deeper partnership of God and man/woman–

The castle (cit a d el) emblem originally represented the city of Jerusalem–her walls, gate, ramparts and twin towers. In Medieval art, the walls of Jerusalem often appear this way, and the emblem of the twin towers found on the Corps of Engineers banner was derived from this medieval emblem representing the walls and watchtowers of the Holy City. This emblem of the twin towers occurs very early among the medieval watermarks, which date from 1280. These watermarks are imbedded in the paper that was manufactured by those who opposed the repressive Roman Catholic Church (and its Inquisition, formed in 1237).

The World Trade Center was a chosen target of the terrorists because it was a high-profile symbol of capitalism and the global business network–a landmark representing global cooperation. It was a secular temple rather than a religious one. This attack was not a synchronicity. If an earthquake had destroyed the WTO on 9-11 it would have been a synchronicity–but under these circumstances, it was not; it was a deliberate act on the part of fanatics with free will who chose this civilian target to maximize suffering and outrage. It was an attack on civilization and humanity, especially obvious since people from about 80 nations were killed in the attack.

Over 13,000 Watermarks have been detected in antique Bibles and other medieval texts….unicorns, mermaids, bugles and towers are just a few of the emblems used by the heretics to hide tenets of their faith in the actual leaves of their bibles. (A discussion of some of the relevant watermarks and interesting examples appear in my Alabaster Jar and Tarot Trumps books–many of you have seen them).

Since the castle emblem was connected with the metaphor of the Holy City as community/Bride, it is also connected with Mary Magdalene–the sacred feminine–and therefore, also an emblem of PEOPLE as community. In the passage from Micah 4, the Magdal-eder is a metaphor for the city and people of Sion/Jerusalem.

The Pentagon was a target for obvious reasons. The five pointed star is sacred to Mars, but also to Venus, and therefore to Magdalene as Goddess of Love. The number 5 (the pentad) in the ancient world represented health and well-being/humanity (the 5 senses, the five extremities, five fingers/toes on each limb). Of course, for the terrorists, it was a symbol of America’s military power. In a stroke of luck, the plane struck an area where many offices were vacant because of renovations being made to the building–saving perhaps as many as 500-800 lives.

I have been brought to tears as I witnessed TV images of people of ALL faiths gathering to pray for unity, guidance and healing, courage and love in the wake of the outrageous attacks. I was shown very early in my spiritual journey that Mary Magdalene herself was a ‘carrier’ of the protoype of the Grail found in Genesis 44–the cup found in the sack of Benjamin that was the catalyst for the healing of the relationship of the twelve sons of Jacob–the healing of the nations. May she now be the instrument of this healing of the nations as we recognize in our common humanity the sacred vessel of divinity. It is not churches and temples of various religions that are sacred containers–it is PEOPLE!

The pictures we are seeing on TV, the sad stories we are hearing, are bringing home the message: we, the human family, are one child of the planet Earth. And our common enemy is characterized as 666–the number in the ancient symbolic system that represents the the solar or power principle–power without mercy. This fire principle without its sacred feminine (lunar or water) partner, results in conflagration and holocaust. Many of you have read my Goddess in the Gospels and have understood the gematria/numbers and the true meaning of the 666–power (violence) with no mercy: the power of the dictator, the terrorist, the crocodile–the Beast. It is the rise of the feminine eros –relationship, inclusion, tolerance, nurturing and concern for children–that rises now to offset the solar 666, to mitigate and finally to contain and heal it.

This sacred feminine (which I identify with the Magdalene-Spirit) is deeply involved in healing and saving the planet and all her peoples and is intimately connected with eco-feminism, the health and well-being of the physical body and other feminist issues that surface as we learn to celebrate humanity as the sacred container of divinity.” Margaret Starbird

428337_237393669686284_1722210178_n artists Birgitte Fiche and Peter Christiansen

I believe that the energies that carried out the crucifixion are still operating in this world. Those same energies were responsible for 911 and other horrific acts. 911 was the crucifixion of humanity. It was meant to devastate us, to paralyze us with fear and hopelessness. It was also, or so they thought, a way into those of us who carry the codes of Magdalene and Christ – to break our hearts again – to destroy the Twin Towers, the symbol of The Magdalene and The Christ. However in the aftermath of the devastation, our hearts were broken, yes, broken open. Love and compassion were magnified on earth. Many had psychic openings during this time therefore the intent to shut us down blew us wide open.

I feel that this has been brought to our attention at this time because all dark secrets are coming to light. We are at a crucial turning point. The more we are made aware of – the more we remember – the more we connect with one another – the higher we rise – the sooner the dark agenda will fall.

As we follow our hearts, in spite of the lies and deceit and programming we awaken the dormant knowledge that we possess.

The 911 Water Crystal is the symbol of Love and Hope Rising.

It is the Resurrection of our hearts.

It is the tangible manifestation of loving intent prayed upon the living waters of life.

It is the phoenix rising.

It is the divine union within ourselves.

We are the Resurrection.

We are the living waters of Christ and Magdalene baptized in the waters of love and divine union.

We are the living waters of the new earth rising.


The Five Pointed Star of Love – The Magdalene Star

She rises as the Divine Feminine is rising out of the smoke and murder of the dream meant to hide and destroy her.

The Six Pointed Star of Hope – The Star of Christ Resurrected


There is so much more to this story. I am just opening the door a bit to this particular part of the story as we walk through the doorway of truth and transformation together.

I want to add a personal reflection here. When I had the first vision of Jerusalem and began receiving messages from Mary Magdalene and others I was filled with anxiety and fear. I knew that no matter what, I had to follow this divine unfolding and do whatever was being asked of me. This meant coming out – coming out and telling my story – coming out and telling Mary Magdalene’s story. I was terrified. The anxiety was paralyzing.

After a while after the book came out and as I continued on speaking, creating workshops and sharing the divine downloads of healing meditations and activations the anxiety left me. All of us doing this work are coping with many lives of being tortured and killed for speaking our truth. The fear is enormous. Once we release what we are meant to do in this life we attain more peace within. Those energies don’t hold and bind us anymore. Once all truths are revealed perhaps we will will not have to carry the story in our physical  and emotional bodies.

I have been calling what has been going on since I visited the Casa of John of God in Brazil, Part Two. There is something about this that feels the same as it did in the beginning of this fantastic journey and the anxiety has returned after years and years.

When you receive this kind of information the mind tries to talk you out of it. Who will even relate to this? Is it just me? But I have been here before and I know again I must speak whether I understand it all or not. I kept wondering how and where I would tell this story and that is when the Magdalene/Isis Mystery School came along. I remember that I felt this way about The Heart of Love, that only certain people would relate to it but that turned out to be untrue. People from all walks of life found the book and fell in love with it.

And as the divine always steps in just when you are needing it most – someone sent me this incredible talk by Sara Beak. I cannot begin to describe how I related to her from the moment she started. I cried through the entire thing. You will too. She describes in the most incredible way the journey of the divine feminine as she struggles to emerge and speak her truth. It is our story.

Please take the time to watch it.

“In All Fears And Trembling Boldness: Unleashing … – Vimeo

From The Heart of Love : Mary Magdalene Speaks

energy heart croped

The women are gathering, yes, and the power will be restored when the feminine takes her rightful place once again. Do not think this is not coming, for it is to be. The feminine strength that you possess will be magnified, electrified, to all ears will hear and all eyes will see. And the heavens will rejoice as the prophecy is fulfilled and the bride is returned to her place with her beloved.

It is here. It is now. It has been foretold. The energy of the new day propels you forward into the restructuring of all life on earth. As this begins to take place, heavens doors will open and the rejoicing will be heard throughout every dimension for the loss of the feminine has been the devastation of this planet. Think nothing less for this is the root of all darkness. The light of the feminine is returned in the vehicle of Mary Magdalene and all women.

This power will grow in strength and beauty until all is changed and made new again, as it was in the beginning, balance restored. The dominion of the masculine over the feminine will no longer be. Your eyes are opening and you shall see things you never dreamed.

Rest in the knowing that you have done well and all is unfolding in a most sacred manner.


I wish you all the strength and power to speak your truth for it is truly the power and vibration that will change the world.


I will be offering the Magdalene Christ Crystal Star Healing Activation.


Where and how to be posted soon.


With Love,


Gail Swanson

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See With New Eyes


On Valentine’s Day I was honored to lead a women’s meditation group in a beautiful and powerful Crown of Power Initiation.  I also decided to read something I had written that morning about certain mindsets concerning illness.

Recently a friend was going through quite an ordeal with a detached retina and someone mentioned that she thought Patricia was a visionary. I thought isn’t that interesting, a visionary going through the experience of possibly losing her vision.

The subject of illness has had me spend many hours in contemplation. It has been a close companion of mine for many years.

I thought about how many in the spiritual community would say “What is it you are not seeing?”  They would assume this is something Patricia manifested and must figure out how to heal it.

But what if it is not about what she does not see but what she DOES see.

What if Patricia is passing through an initiation not just for herself but for the many who are too blind to see?  Perhaps Patricia’s inner vision is now even more  magnified.

Try turning your thinking around.

Expand your awareness .

See with new eyes.

The belief system around illness especially in the spiritual and new age communities does not portray the full picture by any means.

Beings that carry a great light often experience challenges that could easily weaken them.  The power that arises when you must get up off your knees again and again is an alchemical power.

Some are here as spiritual warriors, alchemical masters.  All is happening at the highest level and in the most divine way.  A great mystic Lars Muhl said to me “Any process of suffering carries with it the opportunity for initiation of the highest order.

In spite of all circumstances that take you to the very edge of what you can bear, there is your will.  And this will is your divine will for it is sacred and holy and magnificent.

Your divine will knows of the higher purpose.  Divine will lifts you in your darkest hours.  It matters not if you stumble and lose your way and even wish to give it all up.  For the divine ones surround you and whisper your spiritual name over and over until your divine remembrance breaks through the darkness.

The light remains.  And each time you rekindle your faith and each time you surrender to the ultimate divine will, which is the will of God, your own personal divine will becomes that much stronger.

Allow the physical challenges to take you on this journey.  You will be taken to places you could never have dreamed.

You will see with new eyes.

Every moment will become magnified, precious.  Plans fall away.  All you have is the moment, the now.  And it is beautiful.

Integrity and truth become paramount in those around you.  There is no time for idle talk and pronouncements over why they think you are passing through this great initiation.

It is not for us to completely know.

Move through whatever you are experiencing in a bigger way.

Feel it on a cosmic level.

Throw out the old concepts and use your inner knowing.

Your inner vision.

Think about Patricia and this beautiful visionary symbology she is offering us.

Bless those who are passing through such a holy initiation and perhaps even thank them, for their suffering is not solitary. It is planetary and beyond.  They are the spiritual alchemists continuously transforming the shadows of cold hard metal into miraculous gold.

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Illness and Magic


A friend of mine sent me this last night and it got me thinking and writing some thoughts on my own illness journey.

“In illness, you’re suddenly not yourself anymore. The question is: Are you going to cling in panic to some idealized self that no longer exists? Or are you going to cross the threshold and acknowledge that you’re on a journey, though you don’t know to where? You haven’t chosen it, but now you’re different in some way. This is one reason physical illness shows up as a turning point in so many spiritual biographies or as the catalyst of shamanic initiation. It’s a profound shock to the system. It dislodges you. You look in the mirror, and one of the unfortunate ill stares back. But in a way, you could say that disease also abrades away, painfully, all of these superficial ways in which we judge our worthiness, even life’s worthiness. Our worthiness, as in: “Am I strong, beautiful, competent, undamaged goods?” Or life’s worthiness, as in: “Life is good only when it makes me happy, or aggrandizes me, or favors my enterprise.” But who’s bigger, you or life? There’s a Rilke poem Robert Bly has translated: “This is how he grows – by being defeated, decisively, by ever greater beings.”

by Marc Ian Barasch

I know the routine.  I have been here before.  It never dawned on me somehow that I would be here again.  I thought it was over, for the most part anyway.  I did not realize that it could recur, become activated, come out of hiding, whatever the term is.  But it has.  I am in it again.

Each day when I wake and my feet hit the floor there is that moment when I am taking inventory.  Dizzy, oh no, not again today.  Not dizzy, chance of a good day.  I check my physical symptoms the way people check the weather.

There is no doubt that this has been my own personal Magical Mystery Tour.  From the moment it began my life changed in every possible way and the journey, the search for more than an answer, for more than a healing, began.

It is hard to imagine but it is one of the basic truths I learned, not everyone is coming on this journey with me.  People deathly afraid of their own vulnerability, their own mortality, will ignore or even ridicule the very real and frightening experience you now find yourself thrown into.  Believe me you don’t have the time or the strength for this kind of bullshit.  Time becomes more precious than you ever could imagine.  During those, not even days but moments when you might feel just a glimmer of what it is to be normal, you are not interested in spending it with those who are living in the land of denial.  You are fighting for you life.

The loving and compassionate ones in your life become even more loving and compassionate.  This is one of the jewels along the path.  Ones you thought would be there you find are there only when you can continue to be the life of the party, the fun girl, wild and raring to go.

Where has she gone?

She has slipped quietly into the underworld and when and if she emerges, she shall never be the same.  The underworld is dark and scary, totally unfamiliar, no sign posts, filled with monsters and goblins and things out to get you.

How strong are you?

Can you see they are like the boogey man, or the monster under the bed?

Can this be real?

Can I navigate my way in this pitch black strangeness?

I don’t think so.

And yet I do it, day after day, minute by minute.  We all do it.  We have tumbled down the rabbit hole and absolutely nothing will ever look or be the same.

That first journey lasted over ten years.  Then after much upheaval inner and outer, the magic began.  Oh it was there all along but it was way too hard to see in the dark, beyond the monsters and goblins, but it was always there.  The journey through illness took me deep into the quiet, deep into myself, to face all of who I am, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Was I strong enough?


Was I afraid?


But I am a warrior.  We all are.  Every battle is different and unique to each person.  Every journey through the darkness has glimmers of stunningly beautiful light and in that light there is magic.  For the light is divine and so are we.  So the divine literally showed up in my life and another completely unfamiliar journey began.  I have lived through the darkest night and I have lived through the magic of the pure divine light and I have lived them side by side, for that is where they always are even though we cannot see through the darkness.

As miracles began to make themselves known to me I began to feel better as the worst symptoms began to subside.  Yes there were still signs that all was not completely well but my eyes were on the light and I was in such gratitude for such heavenly glimpses and restoration of most of my health.  Miracles were everywhere.

I marched on, never forgetting the lonely and dark journey, thankful for the lessons along the way and the gift of the magic.  But when the physical symptoms began to return it was a frightening feeling.  I could sense this was the same energy.  It was back.  In some ways I suppose it is easier.  I now know the territory.  It is familiar.  In other ways it seems much harder to bear because I know the territory.

So what in the end does a girl who has been on A Magical Mystery Tour think about it all?  I guess I have learned a few things and some things I may just never know.    I am still on the journey.  I must say it is rather interesting that an illness took me completely out of my life and into another way of seeing and being. It took me on a dark and hellish ride and rode me right into the light of a magnificent mystical adventure.  It’s been quite a ride.

I am not at all sure what to make of this recurrence and what it means in my life. Sometimes I feel this is Part 2 and perhaps the illness happening again is the precursor to the divine magic showing up once again.  I know that whatever you think it is it usually is not. The divine is in charge.  I do know I am loved, protected and never alone.  When I think I do not have the strength to carry on I am showered with strength and renewed hope.  Still I must make my way on this earth through the toughest days but I always know all is in perfect divine order whether I understand it or not.

I know for sure that what we overcome in our lives is not just for ourselves but resonates out into the world.  Illness has a purpose and a meaning in the spiritual world far beyond what we can even imagine.  We are transforming through our physical bodies enormous energies.  It is a job of the physical and the spirit.  We are working in unison with heaven and earth.  It is a big, big job.  Whether we continue to work in this way or a healing takes place or we leave this physical world, all is divine.  All we have to do is do the best we can.  Be our true selves and believe.  Believe in the magic.

Here are some of the things I have learned along the way.

Surround yourself with funny people.  I am loaded with them and I am pretty darn funny myself.

Let go of everything because it is mostly going to go anyway.  This was my hardest lesson. This means everything you thought your life was supposed to be, everything and anything that you think defines you or your life – jobs, people, houses, cars, just about everything.  The illness is just the beginning of the big letting go.

See through new eyes and recognize all the miracles taking place around you because even in your darkest hours they are happening.

Be thankful for all the miracles big and small.

Recognize all the blessings you have in your life.

Stop worrying about what is going to happen because there are answers to these things already in the works that you cannot see and could never dream of.

Learn to be alone and to like it.  Liking being alone means you like yourself.

When you talk to yourself and are saying all kinds of negative things stop and say something positive and loving to yourself.



Do not watch the news.

Do not listen to all the people who think they know why you are sick.  This is between you and God.

Trust your intuition to know what is right for you.  Even through fear and confusion you will know.

Make a commitment to honor your spiritual life each and every day.  The divine loves commitment.

Have one person you can really talk to.  Keeping up pretenses with everyone is exhausting.

Trust that your journey has a magnificent divine purpose.

Cry when you feel the need to.  A good cry is very cleansing.

Find a creative outlet.  You have gifts just waiting to emerge that you never even knew you had.

Be of service in any way that you can.  Contribute to a worthy cause.


Write.  Start a journal and write every day.

Breathe deep, deep breaths.  Breathe in loving and healing energy.  Breathe out all that does not serve you.  Do this all day long.

Surrender  –  Let your prayer be Thy will be done.

Stay in the moment.  Be present to everything.

Notice the beauty and sweetness in things you once took for granted.

Spend time with children and animals.

Spend as much time in nature as you can.  Sit with your back against a tree.  Swim in the ocean.  Walk barefoot on the earth.  Gaze at the stars.

Give your love freely and unconditionally. Receive the love that surrounds you.  Tell the people you care about how you feel about them.  Say the loving things you are thinking.

Speak your truth.

Give thanks.

Remember you are a divine being with a divine mission.

Know there are divine beings so close to you, loving you, guiding you and strengthening you.  You are never alone. Open your mind and heart to the unseen world.

Believe it with all your heart.